Aaaaarrrr !

SO, Little John looks like becoming Long John, eh, Mr Costello?

Zidane.

NO! ZIDANE! Upon retirement, it is YOU who receives the time-piece - you're not supposed to do the clocking!

Safe Sex

SAFE SEX is great...but there's not much room!

Michael Jackson.

FOR the sake of innocent young boys, Michael Jackson should be encouraged to perform his Moon Dance just one more time...and stay there!

Kylie Minogue.

I'M absolutely thrilled to hear that Kylie Minogue is well again, and that she should be so lucky...lucky, lucky, lucky.

It's a winner.

WE DON"T have to win the human race - just save it.

Football

FOOTBALL: a game in which the players attempt to outwit their opponents...and the referee!